Good-bye Pink Cloud

September 22, 2012

When I was in IOP and also in AA people referred to the “Pink Cloud.” This is the period of time in early in recovery when everything is great. You feel wonderful, confident – and everything seems to be going your way.
The first month of sobriety I felt very healthy, positive and strong. And then, that changed. I started to become angry and stressed out. I am negative. I can’t even recall the feelings I had two months ago – it is as if they evaporated.

Yet, I have heard or learned a lot of good things about how to get through the rough days. Applying those words of wisdom though is tough. I choose how I feel. A problem without a solution isn’t a problem at all.

I learned about setting boundaries. I was warned about bailing out someone’s canoe. It was stated over and over to let go of the things I cannot control.

So, what I have been doing is what I can control. I go to work. Work is hard. I control very little there. Many people work with me and they are wonderful – however, everyone has skin in the game. I need to learn to chill out – or I will have a heart attack.

After work now I prefer to go home and be by myself. It is quiet at home. I can decide what I do. I may not have control from 8-5 – but I am making sure I control 5:30 – bedtime. and the weekends too.

On Thursday I golfed in an outing. I did not drink. I didn’t do anything like I did last year. I did treat myself with dignity and self respect and I feel good about that. No negative consequences will come from that day.

I am though dealing with a very bad consequence from my accident in April. I have to get car insurance and because of my careless driving ticket  the rate will be very high. I haven’t had the guts to run the numbers yet – but I really don’t know if I will be able to make bills. And it is so bad that it isn’t even a matter  of canceling Netflix and Hulu – I will do that – but this is a big fucking number. I already quit eating out. I quit drinking. I will quit buying shit I don’t need (I do need to do that, the party is seriously over) – but I don’t see what I can cut out that will save enough money to cover the cost of insurance. This is a problem without a solution. Maybe I have to get a second job. I have done that before and I remember I took home very little money. I don’t know. I will pray. Another saying in AA is that you have to give it away to keep it. We’ll see.
I am responsible for what I did. I really have never been one to blame someone else for my actions.

I am worried about how much help I will be to Griffin. He is 13. He will be able to enter drivers ed. soon. Will I be able to help him get a car.

If he doesn’t choose to go to LCC – will I be able to help him get into college? Is my credit so screwed that I will hurt rather than help? Thank God for Matt and Michelle.

I am feeling the pinch from changes in State of Michigan stuff. Stuff I don’t ever understand. Benefits and retirement and important stuff like that. My take home pay is less. I have to do something. I can’t remain still while getting screwed.

I have been more quiet lately because for me to share my feelings is to say things that go against all of the principles I am working so hard to apply. When I speak I want it to be true, unique and interesting. I am so sick of Facebook. People posting every single thought there. I find myself being tempted to do the same. I am stopping myself. I need to find some other way to post a feeling. One kid at AA said when you have any emotion treat it like a railroad crossing and stop – do nothing and wait for the train to pass.

I need to remember to slow down and not speak so fast. Not react so fast. Breathe. Pray.

A meditation book arrived yesterday – now I need to read it.

Just like others I thought drinking was my only problem. Drinking was my unhealthy coping mechanism to all of my problems. So many things bug me. So many things that I cannot control. Few things are any of my business. I need to acknowledge that and let those things go. Drinking was not the solution. Being a high-strung asshole is not the solution. I will figure this out. It is going to take patience, practice, determination and strength. God willing.

Amen.

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