It’s all in a name

May 6, 2011

It would be easier to write this if no one would have ever named their child Destiny.

I enjoy the song Mr. Brightside by the Killers. They sing ‘ Destiny is calling me…Open up my eager eyes, I’m Mr. Brightside.”They also have a line “I’m crawling out of my cage and I’ve been doing just fine….” and I like that.

It is 3:59 a.m. I am awake. I did not have lunch or dinner. I have ceased to care about taking care of myself. Barnes and Noble JUST sent me an email telling me there is still time to order a Nook to arrive by Mother’s Day. Does it look like I can afford a Nook when I buy books like ‘Nickle and Dimed?’

Yet, I have a million dollar idea. I am writing the sequel to It’s a Wonderful Life, and I am serious this time. I have never written a screenplay before, and I have no idea what I am doing, but who cares?

In other news: I went back to wanting to end my life today. This is not the only reason, but this is the easiest to write about – I went to put on a bra that didn’t cause my breasts to spill over and show through my shirt. I purchased this bra on a rushed lunch hour at Meijer and it broke while I was adjusting the straps. Of course it broke. It was $22.98 and the clasps were plastic.

I ended up wearing a sports bra, thus looking like I have one breast (who cares?) but I cried before 8:00 a.m. because this is why I can never have anything nice.

I have no time. I have no money. And for some reason, I have huge breasts, and I need a supportive brassiere. But I can’t afford one.

My current husband often asks “How do you not have any money?” that is a legitimate question,. But for Blog’s sake do you care? Trust me… there is a reason – now go the fuck away.

Young, Smart and Hashtags

September 9, 2009

Everyone that I follow on Twitter is so damn positive. They post things about Lansing and follow it all with a hash tag about how much they love this city. I tried to be that way, I really did. However, it is all starting to get to me. Constant sirens. Just as you begin to think you are moving forward there is a red light. Drunk ass criminals stealing a car and ditching it in our driveway and the cops are flashing their lights in front of my house for hours after midnight yelling to one another. Lansing is a hot mess of homeless people and construction and desperation. You cannot get anywhere – walking, biking, driving, thinking. Also, all of these groups are popping up about being Young and Smart – that is also wearing on my brain. How young is young? I am 36. I think (most days) that I still have a future. But these incubators and initiatives do not include me. That’s okay. I have been a has-been for years. They say it is all in how you deal with a situation, not the situation itself. Now that I am on no drugs whatsoever and my mind is full of brain zaps and _______ what was the other thing called. I am not dealing with anyone very well.

Today, my boss told me I make “damn good money.” Maybe I do. But when you are in complete debt from years of poor choices and have a son that requires a lot of everything (braces, instruments, steak, shrimp, movie making equipment)the money is gone. I am so far in debt there is no way I will ever get out. Even if I died today (which I am not going to do), the money isn’t even close to what I owe. And yet I see people that do nothing all day. They make gads more than me. Other people have quit and demanded a huge severance for no other reason than “Everybody’s doing it.” and the thing is THEY GET IT. I am trying really hard to not become that of which I despise. I have complained long enough to know that when you open your mouth with a problem there are two to three people just chomping to tell you what you are doing wrong. How you are looking at everything in the wrong light. How if you would just delegate or plan or use MS Project or Workzone or some other TOOL that your problems would be solved. Fine – you are right. However, I have long since known that I am not right in the head. I am working on it though. I am clearing the fog. The only problem with clearing the fog is a deep pain – physical, emotional etc that is very hard to get over.

If Morpheus offered me the red (or blue) pill to keep living in isolation you bet your soul I would take that pill.

I quit because I am broke

September 7, 2009

I quit every drug I am on because I am broke and it is a crazy ride. Every pulse my heart beats feels like I could pass out. I am staying here to hang out with Griffin. I will stay and we will work it out. I just won’t be on all of these stupid medications. It is rough for awhile, but it will settle down. Happy Labor Day.

When I was in fifth grade and trying to find the meaning of life, there was only one place I knew to go… the Twelve Oaks Mall in Novi. There, they have stores that Lansing does not have. It was like a slice of the unknown.

So, since I have been in a mental and relationshipal rut since …oh Januaryorso, I decided to go back to Twelve Oaks today to try to make sense of it all.

On the expressway I drove past a billboard saying “Live Debt Free” and there was a picture of some white guy that had a nightly talk show on some Livingston County radio station – but if you have ever read this blog before, you know you can’t scare me.

I got to the mall around 2:30. I walked straight past the Macy’s Jewelery counter and into the big, open public space. I soaked in the sounds of the screaming babies, the kids on their phones and the Kardashians (Michigan style).

I was there to get stuff you can’t buy where I come from and thank Buddha, I was not disappointed.

Did you know that there is a H&M store at Twelve Oaks? And did you further know that the super cute earrings that Katy S. wears are sold at New York and Company and can be bought with another item for 50% off for today only? I felt so at home. I got my eyebrows waxed and almost everyone in the entire mall told me how much the loved my Animal t-shirt. I never wanted to leave.

It got to be about 4:30 and I realized I had had nothing to eat or drink all day. I got in the car and set out to find the Sheraton I had booked a room at. That only took about 40 minutes (it was 4 miles away).

Would you believe it was right next to a Mexican restaurant AND a Best Buy? Seriously, I am moving to Novi.

They gave me my key and called me Ms. King. I had to use my key to access the floor that my fly room is on. There is not a person alive right now that knows where I am. My room has a huge bed, TV and all the things a girl needs that is escaping reality with no authorization or resources. No, I should not be here. But damn, it feels good.

Today I sat down to get caught up on Newsweek. Time goes fast and issues of Newsweek seem to arrive every three days. When I saw the most recent cover, I shook my head and let out a laugh in disbelief. There was Uncle Sam on the front saying I WANT YOU TO START SPENDING. The inside article is titled

Stop Saving Now!

Good Sheez. I had just declared today – “No Spending Saturday.” We were NOT going to go the Mall. We were NOT going to go out to eat.

I was not going to visit

What a pickle this puts me in.Yesterday it was the pressure of the new media, today it is the subtle cues of mainstream media. I surrender oh mighty culture. Take my debit card, and my independent will. I will be your loyal follower. It is much easier this way. You will bail me out someday… right?

I really haven’t changed from when I was in 5th grade. Twenty six years ago, I was about the same height, weight and had many of the same friends. The difference is that now I have a credit card and a car.

Oh, and now there is this thing called the Internet. When I was ten I was obsessed with shampoo, conditioner and makeup. But, back then I had to beg for a ride from 14836 Wacousta Road to the store to buy a current issue of Seventeen magazine. I didn’t realize how lucky I was to have parents that didn’t say “Seventeen! Do you realize you are only 10 young lady?” They would let me pick up the periodical from time to time. August was my favorite issue because it was focused on Back to School. Every year, I thought I could reinvent myself when I at Grand Ledge Public Schools. All I needed to do was study that picture of Jennifer Connelly long enough and I would become her.

I would babysit all summer, save up enough money, make my shopping list and buy everything I could at Meijer to do my own little makeover.

Fast forward to 2009 and now at least seven times a day something like this happens “Hey Tess, have you tried Euphoria for your hair yet?” … “No, I have never heard of that.” and within 2 minutes it is on its way to my door from some bargain bin website that I never imagined in 1982.

It is not surprising that I am thousands of dollars in debt. Sure, my hair is less frizzy than it was, my eye liner is no longer teal in color and stays on a little longer, but I still don’t look like Jennifer Connelly. Not even close. Maybe it is the beer, nachos and the smoking in college, I bought detox pills on eBay but I am not sure they work.

The odd thing is, and this really does stump me is that there are certain grown up duties that I just can’t seem to get done. I waited until the very last minute to respond to a 2006 audit from the city. I have had a huge crack in my windshield for about 18 months, the check engine light in my car goes on and off intermittently. I simply do not have the time, money or energy to deal with these issues. I am very busy. I have three blogs, a new flip camera, AND I just figured out how to post videos on YouTube.

I realize that none of this makes sense. of this makes sense. I realize I have no self control. It is just so fun and there is so much hope in it. There is nothing I can’t buy in three minutes or less. I rarely ask myself if I can afford it. Sure, I don’t know how all of this is going to end. I do try from time to time. I did delete my eBay account, but who cares? Who needs that kind of competition?

Wait a minute…

I just realized my current brand of shampoo is called Self Absorbed. Maybe Froogle is trying to tell me something.

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