The Disclaimer

October 6, 2012

Finnegan Begin Again – 2016
If you are going to read some, try to read all – there is no time limit, but there may be a test later. If I were you, I would start from the end and work my way to the front.

Some of what you are viewing is exaggerated for readability.

I cannot keep a “normal” journal because my right hand shakes too much to write
(or put on a good coat of eyeliner. )

And always remember the Golden Rule ~ Content is King.

What is your priority? Is it your job? Your kids? Money? Exercise?

Mine was running – not running/running, but fleeing reality, but I had a good excuse. I wasn’t right in my head. It was as if I had no choice. It was the only way to quiet and eventually numb my mind from the electricity and rushing thoughts I could not manage.

I was barely getting by. The trunk was full of clothes to go to Goodwill or the cleaners. My backpack was stuffed with mail. My inbox was full of bill notifications. My voicemail was full of calls from friends wanting to talk to me. I was behind in TV shows I truly wanted to watch. “Did you catch last night’s Parks and Rec?” Nope, I was passed out. My list-of-of-things to do grew without ever crossing anything off.

I was missing things – and people were missing me.

Then, out of the blue, I found a job I wanted, an incredible job. It was a chance to get out of the dust and into the light. But I couldn’t move forward in fog.

I did what I swore I would never do again. I asked for help. I called my long lost doctor. Went on medication, Called two other kinds of doctors and developed a plan. My eyes became clear. My focus shifted to me and my future. The past is the past and guilt and blame are in the rear view.

It is not going to be easy, but it is worth it.

When I see something that is bothering me, I will deal with it instead of walking away. I am going to re-balance this life. Leave work at work. Be with Griffin when I am with Griffin. Bowl when I am bowling and trust myself.

It took awhile, but I am here. Thank you for waiting.

Let’s try this again

October 11, 2011

I am doing it this time. I am going to become happy, healthy, safe and successful.

I am tired of complaining about what is wrong. I am going to go for what is right.

I want to take a minute and identify what got me here. It’s important because it is all coming together. I have never had this much assistance before and it is unbelievable.

One colleague  started in on helping me clean and organize my office. Another started asking me to help with advice on men and we began hanging out socially. She also started complimenting me on my appearance Рand that felt great.

One of the major changes was my boss EJ started bringing in the most beautiful and seemingly magical clothes. Clothes I would never be able to afford. I had gained some weight and really needed nice clothes for the talk show.

Once I started wearing these clothes, I wanted to be seen in them. I went out more and socialized.

Also, the Tigers and Lions started winning. Things were turning around.

I became more active on Facebook and Twitter. I quit deleting my posts thinking they were stupid. My confidence was up.

Then, an incredible thing happened. A friend sent me a link to a job that paid double what I make here. And it is a job I can do. I meet the minimum qualifications. I can do this job and I want this job. Getting this job will save my life. It will put me on the map. I will be able to support myself and G. Dear J offered to help me with my application material. She is the most incredible thing to come into my realm.

My current job is crazy. I do not feel my talents are noticed by leadership. I love my co-workers, but they can’t pay me in cash, they pay me in emotional support.

I called the doctor got in and got on some good-sounding medication.

My boss told me I should try cognitive behavioral therapy. I saw my friend on Saturday and she mentioned that she sees someone that does that (before I even brought it up) and she gave me her car. I called and have an appt. next week.

I have one more place to call. I want to be really closely evaluated about what is going on.

Things are all coming together and I think something really great is going to happen. I am setting it up so I can’t walk away or fail.

There are no coincidences.

Oh, and then I joined the LCC Bowling league and became obsessed with becoming a fantastic bowler. I bought a ball and shoes and my team is happy and ready to roll!

I think something is wrong

October 2, 2011

I feel like my head is going to fly off. I am not clear. I love Somecards… and their sense of humor is matches mine
“I would do anything to lose 10lbs except eat right and exercise”

I know I am fucked up mixing stuff I shouldn’t and running like Casey Anthony (without the dead girl in the trunk) but I can’t seem to slow it down enough to fix it. I am not Kid Rock. I need to take Cocky out of the the cd player and play more Jewel and Sinead.

Why did I start ordering chicken tenders for every meal? I can’t fucking think? I have become a 21 year old boy.

A reality check is coming. It will not be pretty.

The thing that is surprising me though is that as I describe my mid-life crisis to my closest friends they do not show concern, they show enthusiasm. “You go get it girl!” They want me to be happy. They want me and my personality. My personality and socializing is killing me. Someone is going to get hurt.

Tonight I walked the line. No drinking. No drugs. I drove you know who to you know where out of town to hear a show. I was in charge and protective. I did it. I’ve still got it. I can resist the bad and embrace the good and show a minor the fun of a road trip.

But for how long? My son is so smart, funny, original, caring – I cannot even handle it. I sit here typing unable to comprehend what he is.

I have to stay here for him, but I want to get out of here. I always have. I will not do that to him. There has to be an answer. G and I are an awesome team. Although I may not be willing to eat right and exercise to lose 10lbs, I think I would do anything for him.

Maybe getting my act together doesn’t have to mean making dinner and doing laundry and being sweet. Maybe it just has to mean being me and supporting my son and keeping me afloat in a way where he doesn’t have to know how mother fucking incredibly hard this is.

I am writing the book for parents that find out their child has been sexually abused. They need to know they need to call in motherfucking FEMA for support. If you don’t get help for your child immediately, …. Your child turns out like me. And we don’t need anymore of me’s around.

It’s all in a name

May 6, 2011

It would be easier to write this if no one would have ever named their child Destiny.

I enjoy the song Mr. Brightside by the Killers. They sing ‘ Destiny is calling me…Open up my eager eyes, I’m Mr. Brightside.”They also have a line “I’m crawling out of my cage and I’ve been doing just fine….” and I like that.

It is 3:59 a.m. I am awake. I did not have lunch or dinner. I have ceased to care about taking care of myself. Barnes and Noble JUST sent me an email telling me there is still time to order a Nook to arrive by Mother’s Day. Does it look like I can afford a Nook when I buy books like ‘Nickle and Dimed?’

Yet, I have a million dollar idea. I am writing the sequel to It’s a Wonderful Life, and I am serious this time. I have never written a screenplay before, and I have no idea what I am doing, but who cares?

In other news: I went back to wanting to end my life today. This is not the only reason, but this is the easiest to write about – I went to put on a bra that didn’t cause my breasts to spill over and show through my shirt. I purchased this bra on a rushed lunch hour at Meijer and it broke while I was adjusting the straps. Of course it broke. It was $22.98 and the clasps were plastic.

I ended up wearing a sports bra, thus looking like I have one breast (who cares?) but I cried before 8:00 a.m. because this is why I can never have anything nice.

I have no time. I have no money. And for some reason, I have huge breasts, and I need a supportive brassiere. But I can’t afford one.

My current husband often asks “How do you not have any money?” that is a legitimate question,. But for Blog’s sake do you care? Trust me… there is a reason – now go the fuck away.

Won’t back down

November 12, 2009

I am trying really hard to stay in the game. I remember now that I am only using sports metaphors. In it to win it, came to play, brought my A Game etc. I am down, but I am not out. For now it may be matter over mind.

How low can you go?

November 12, 2009

For over a week I have been so depressed that I am scaring myself. I can’t do anything. I spent the weekend in bed with the covers over my head. My favorite thing to do is go out to dinner and I don’t even want to do that. I have had no appetite. I have not been on this computer. I am completely paranoid and freaked out that I am going to lose my job. I am not keeping up. I am failing or just scraping by at everything. I can’t even buy a stamp or put laundry away. I can’t read. Though, the act of typing this is progress.

I knew I needed help so I called the number on the back of my insurance card for mental health. They told me the provider needed to call the psychiatrist or therapist. I asked for a list of providers, they said they didn’t have one. I called Community Mental Health as my doctor had told me I could always go there if I was in a crisis state. They told me they only help the homeless or the the indigent people (then they said they don’t even really help them) and to call someone else. So, I called my doctor and she is out of town on vacation. They said since this may be a medication issue, no one else can see me and I can get in on December 1.

Next, I called Sparrow’s behavioral health office, they said they are full and I “am at the mercy of the phone book” to find a doctor. I called my doctor back to ask if they had someone they could recommend in the meantime. The receptionist said, maybe and she would pass my question on to someone else. At the end of the day someone called back saying they could not recommend a certain person, but there is one practice they work with a lot – she could not give me the phone number though, i had to find it myself. It was 4:53 and that office closed at 4:00. Oh and by the way, she said she was calling from a doctor’s office I have never heard of – I will take what I can get. Any help is help. I left a message at the psychiatrist office. The called me this morning! Now, that is refreshing. The woman let me know I am behind 45 people that also need help. And the intake person would call me on Friday or early next week to see about scheduling an appt. in mid-December, If I am lucky.

Trying to find a mental health provider will drive you insane. I am lucky that I have insurance. I should have gone to the emergency room last week when I was really, really low, but I was too scared. I know they would have kept me. I am scared that I am not keeping up. I am aware that I am letting everyone down. I am trying to turn this around. I really am. I just need a little help. I don’t know how to thank the people that are helping me. Today was a public test and I got through. I owe so many people for that. Thank you.