I accomplished most of what I said I wanted to do.

I got a new bed. I got a new (and clean) place to live.

I am no longer suicidal, drinking or a wreck. 

I have learned a lot, especially in the past 40 days and 40 nights. 

Many people have helped me, and I am thankful. 

The past year is a story that will stand alone. Now, is the time to do the things I have really wanted to do. I wake up with a clear mind and usually a positive attitude

It may have taken 40 years, but I am finally happy to be here. Whoever said “never say never” … well, I like their style. 

Yep.

November 6, 2011

I am going to do it.
Write the book.
Get the place.
Dump the sauce.
Be happy and strong and a force.
Mark it. It’s happening. I will take care of me.

You deserve to be happy

November 6, 2011

There is nothing I want to do tomorrow.

So, what should I do today? I have the whole day in front of me with absolutely no obligation. And that is dangerous.

Tomorrow I have a lot that I HAVE to do. I have to get stuff done at work. I have to get two fillings replaced. I have to have dinner with my parents.

Today, I don’t have to do a goddamn thing.

Yet, there are things that I should do. I should work on my research project. I should do laundry, exercise, write, prepare, clean, think, work, pluck, call friends, promote, and get ready for everything in some general sense of do1thing.org.

Which leads my thoughts to last night and everyone saying that I am too hard on myself. Everyone saying I deserve to be happy. Everyone asking what I do to relax.

What’s their point? Doesn’t everyone deserve to be happy? Doesn’t everyone deserve to relax? Doesn’t everyone?

Which leads my thoughts to my parents asking me “Who do you think you are?” and saying things like “You are getting to big for your britches” How do you even spell britches?

Googling.

It feels like I am waiting for something – like waiting for U of M to call. But what I am really waiting for is me. I am waiting for me to call the doctor. Waiting for me to quit drinking. Waiting for me to straighten up – get my act together and change my circumstances.

The work I need to do is life changing. Get off the couch. Pick up the phone. Go to the doctor. Get tested. Fill the prescription. Dump the wine. Look in the mirror. And change.

I only get unhappy when I try to get happy and healthy. My default position is that of a suicidal wreck. Stop trying to change that. That is my revelation. Embrace yourself and change yourself.

What is your priority? Is it your job? Your kids? Money? Exercise?

Mine was running – not running/running, but fleeing reality, but I had a good excuse. I wasn’t right in my head. It was as if I had no choice. It was the only way to quiet and eventually numb my mind from the electricity and rushing thoughts I could not manage.

I was barely getting by. The trunk was full of clothes to go to Goodwill or the cleaners. My backpack was stuffed with mail. My inbox was full of bill notifications. My voicemail was full of calls from friends wanting to talk to me. I was behind in TV shows I truly wanted to watch. “Did you catch last night’s Parks and Rec?” Nope, I was passed out. My list-of-of-things to do grew without ever crossing anything off.

I was missing things – and people were missing me.

Then, out of the blue, I found a job I wanted, an incredible job. It was a chance to get out of the dust and into the light. But I couldn’t move forward in fog.

I did what I swore I would never do again. I asked for help. I called my long lost doctor. Went on medication, Called two other kinds of doctors and developed a plan. My eyes became clear. My focus shifted to me and my future. The past is the past and guilt and blame are in the rear view.

It is not going to be easy, but it is worth it.

When I see something that is bothering me, I will deal with it instead of walking away. I am going to re-balance this life. Leave work at work. Be with Griffin when I am with Griffin. Bowl when I am bowling and trust myself.

It took awhile, but I am here. Thank you for waiting.

Let’s try this again

October 11, 2011

I am doing it this time. I am going to become happy, healthy, safe and successful.

I am tired of complaining about what is wrong. I am going to go for what is right.

I want to take a minute and identify what got me here. It’s important because it is all coming together. I have never had this much assistance before and it is unbelievable.

One colleague  started in on helping me clean and organize my office. Another started asking me to help with advice on men and we began hanging out socially. She also started complimenting me on my appearance – and that felt great.

One of the major changes was my boss EJ started bringing in the most beautiful and seemingly magical clothes. Clothes I would never be able to afford. I had gained some weight and really needed nice clothes for the talk show.

Once I started wearing these clothes, I wanted to be seen in them. I went out more and socialized.

Also, the Tigers and Lions started winning. Things were turning around.

I became more active on Facebook and Twitter. I quit deleting my posts thinking they were stupid. My confidence was up.

Then, an incredible thing happened. A friend sent me a link to a job that paid double what I make here. And it is a job I can do. I meet the minimum qualifications. I can do this job and I want this job. Getting this job will save my life. It will put me on the map. I will be able to support myself and G. Dear J offered to help me with my application material. She is the most incredible thing to come into my realm.

My current job is crazy. I do not feel my talents are noticed by leadership. I love my co-workers, but they can’t pay me in cash, they pay me in emotional support.

I called the doctor got in and got on some good-sounding medication.

My boss told me I should try cognitive behavioral therapy. I saw my friend on Saturday and she mentioned that she sees someone that does that (before I even brought it up) and she gave me her car. I called and have an appt. next week.

I have one more place to call. I want to be really closely evaluated about what is going on.

Things are all coming together and I think something really great is going to happen. I am setting it up so I can’t walk away or fail.

There are no coincidences.

Oh, and then I joined the LCC Bowling league and became obsessed with becoming a fantastic bowler. I bought a ball and shoes and my team is happy and ready to roll!

If I could turn back time

October 3, 2011

Finality…

What is going on?

It seems like everything is about to crash. Two things I wish I would have never done is read Under the Dome by Stephen King (great book) and watched the Casey Anthony trial.

Both show how living with a timeline creates danger. Believe it or not, I am trying to avoid danger.

WAIT. That is not true. It is 3:13 in the morning. I am awake and looking for someone to talk to……… quietly.

We took a walk today and had nothing to say. I went bowling today and thought the roof would explode from my energy.

I got it done though. I went to the grocery store. Bought fixin’s … made a healthy dinner …played the role. I can do it all. It will kill me though.

But then…. The New Yorker reports that Arrested Development will come back for one more season. That is like saying that there IS a Santa Clause. But it won’t air until like 2013? Seriously? I am supposed to stick around this bitch until then?

Okay, fine. Whatever. But make it worth it. Ya’ll are killing me.

I think something is wrong

October 2, 2011

I feel like my head is going to fly off. I am not clear. I love Somecards… and their sense of humor is matches mine
“I would do anything to lose 10lbs except eat right and exercise”

I know I am fucked up mixing stuff I shouldn’t and running like Casey Anthony (without the dead girl in the trunk) but I can’t seem to slow it down enough to fix it. I am not Kid Rock. I need to take Cocky out of the the cd player and play more Jewel and Sinead.

Why did I start ordering chicken tenders for every meal? I can’t fucking think? I have become a 21 year old boy.

A reality check is coming. It will not be pretty.

The thing that is surprising me though is that as I describe my mid-life crisis to my closest friends they do not show concern, they show enthusiasm. “You go get it girl!” They want me to be happy. They want me and my personality. My personality and socializing is killing me. Someone is going to get hurt.

Tonight I walked the line. No drinking. No drugs. I drove you know who to you know where out of town to hear a show. I was in charge and protective. I did it. I’ve still got it. I can resist the bad and embrace the good and show a minor the fun of a road trip.

But for how long? My son is so smart, funny, original, caring – I cannot even handle it. I sit here typing unable to comprehend what he is.

I have to stay here for him, but I want to get out of here. I always have. I will not do that to him. There has to be an answer. G and I are an awesome team. Although I may not be willing to eat right and exercise to lose 10lbs, I think I would do anything for him.

Maybe getting my act together doesn’t have to mean making dinner and doing laundry and being sweet. Maybe it just has to mean being me and supporting my son and keeping me afloat in a way where he doesn’t have to know how mother fucking incredibly hard this is.

I am writing the book for parents that find out their child has been sexually abused. They need to know they need to call in motherfucking FEMA for support. If you don’t get help for your child immediately, …. Your child turns out like me. And we don’t need anymore of me’s around.